Movie review: Rogue

This movie was so good that there were no media movie previews for it. (Yes, I’m being sarcastic.)

See, I kinda like cheesy movies. Which is why I watch every K-horror or J-Horror out there. I appreciate the simple adrenaline surge they provide.

So I expected some bloody, gory fun from Rogue, which is about a monstrous crocodile attacking some hapless tourists in the Australian outback.

It’s nice to see Vartan again – this time he’s an American travel writer named Pete, and he’s the hero. Sort of. But even the presence of Vartan cannot lift the story’s extremely mundane storyline out of the brackish waters of D-movie hell. Poor Vartan – he didn’t deserve to be here.

Yes, I did not expect this movie to give me a Merchant Ivory experience, but hello, if this is a movie about giant monster crocodiles, I expect to see said giant crocodile more often, okay? Also, hey, where’s the blood and torn limbs??

You can call me bloodthirsty – but when tourists just simply disappear – thanks to the simple camera trick of turning away from victim for one second to find him missing the next – I am damn dissapointed, ok? There’s no horror to the scene, no dramatic impact. Just: “Oh, he’s gone. Whoops.” The whole horror about a giant crocodile is the primordial fear of being eaten alive. If you can’t even muster up that scare, what’s the point?

It shows you how tiny the budget must’ve been for them to not even be able to afford tomato ketchup to add realism to the show.Tsk tsk.

The only good thing about Rogue is that it has nice Australian scenery. Someone call the Australian Tourism Board!

Now, if you want a crocodile movie, try Primeval instead. It outshines Rogue in the scare department, even if it beggers belief at certain moments.

The monster crocodile seems to be psychic, able to sniff out the victims wherever they are, even to the extend of snatching them when they’re supposedly “safe” on dry land, away from the river.

But hey, maybe that’s what it is: A psychic monster crocodile!

Bring on the popcorn.