Every year I set out to reflect on the year that was to prepare for the year to come. 2019 was no different. At the start of 2020 I bravely set out to list the number of habits I’d like to cultivate this year.

Well, (cough) a little pandemic scuttled that pretty quickly.

I chuckle a little at that brave list now – somewhere out there in the universe, my list is being read by inter dimensional beings who are probably going, “Well, that was cute!”

Well, yes, 2020 is such a [beep] show that it has become a meme. If you have told me that the sentence “I need to wear a mask” would be a normal thing to say I would have checked for your temperature. Today, both actions are normal and done like a bazillion times a day around the world.

Yet, to be very honest, while 2020 was a shitshow for yours truly for reasons you’ll read very soon, it was also a very good year for me. I have a conflicting relationship with 2020. Sometimes, while huddled under the blankets where no one but God can hear me, I say out loud that 2020 has also been a blessing for me. To quote A Tale of Two Cities, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times….”

It was the worst of times ….

My diet went bye-bye

I fell off the intermittent fasting, healthy eating wagon hard. My career transition from journalism was difficult and honestly, traumatic, and I tried to eat my stress away. The stress didn’t go away, neither did the pounds.

2020 was the year I was going to prioritise my health. I was going to get limber with yoga, take 10,000 steps and improve my fitness. I was going to dial down the sugar.

Then lockdowns hit and I suddenly found myself baking up a storm and not walking. At all.

I used to walk 10,000 steps or more a day due to my daily commute which involved walking to the train station and to my workplace. The lockdowns in Malaysia were so strict that we weren’t allowed to even go out to take a walk. Bored out of my skull, I would volunteer to shop for my friends and relatives just for an opportunity to leave the home. But that didn’t improve my exercise.

At the same time, my career took a stumble towards a more uncertain path, which tripled the stress I was going through. Baking became my refuge. Together with chips and ice-cream.

Being the carb-sensitive person that I am, the pounds piled on quickly. I don’t think I gained “quarantine 15”. I have a sneaky suspicion that it may be “quarantine 30”. I don’t know, I’ve not checked.

But it was the best of times because …

I got a taste of remote working

And guys, where has this been all my life?

It used to be that the only way you get to experience remote working life is to be one of those extremely talented souls that got hired by a progressive, most probably foreign company. Or that you are crazy brave enough to ditch the 9-to-5 for freelance life.

With my eye on increasing my retirement ringgit, freelance life seemed like a risky proposition especially at my age. But when the pandemic hit, we were suddenly told to work from home overnight.

I still remember the day before the first MCO was declared in Malaysia, packing up my laptop and some essentials, giddy with delight at the thought of returning to remote working. I had that privelege one day a week at my previous company, and missed it terribly after joining my new company. Now I was going to experience it for 2 weeks! Yipee.

Well, 2 weeks turned to months. As I’m typing this, it has been 10 months since I started remote working and, guys, I do not miss the four walls of the office. I do not miss my one-hour long commutes or the fact that I spent my most productive hours commuting (I work best from 7am to 10am).

Waking up naturally every single day has done wonders for my health. I used to be so tired all the time, but now I get to wake up when my body feels comfortable to do so. I even allow myself lunch naps. Over time, my body let me know that 6am is our preferred waking time and that my best, most creative and productive time is from 7am to 10am. I produced like a demon during those hours. To think that I used to waste those hours commuting before!

I also love cooking myself lunches (I used to fantasize doing that while scarfing down expensive RM20 meals at the mall next to the office.

And being a restless extrovert with Rebel Tendencies, I loved switching up my working space every day. One day I’ll be working at a cafe, the next day at a co-working space where the resident cat would swish her tail at my keyboard as I try to do work.

But most of all, I loved the fact that it freed me from the toxicity I had been enduring for months.

It was the worst of times … and yet the best of times

In 2020, I chose myself by quitting a toxic situation

No.1 rule of personal branding online – never talk smack about your previous jobs. I’ve kept and abided to this rule, and even exhorted people to be careful when talking about previous bad experiences at work.

I also obeyed the supposedly iron-clad rule of “don’t ever leave your job without securing another one first”.

I’ve always been that responsible person. The one that would do her boomer parents proud. I stayed in a company for 15 years, for goodness sakes! I was a museum artefact in a world full of job-hopping millenials.

But in 2020, I chose myself and quit my job without a plan. During a raging pandemic.

Though, to be honest, I did have a plan. I’ve freelanced on and off throughout my career – from 2012-2015, I wrote on a freelance basis while working in healthcare.

But let’s just say the plan was accelerated somewhat.

I’m not going to go into the details, but the situation wasn’t healthy. It was obvious to me by the second month that it wasn’t going to work out, but I was determined to stick it out, at least for a year, before making a decision. Because, you know, responsible Gen-Xer and all that.

I’m talking about this now, admitting that I was in a toxic situation and I quit it because I want to banish the shame associated with it. I know I felt shame when I decided enough was enough. I put my health and sanity first, and it’s funny why we’re made to feel ashamed of that.

So I quit, and then the MCO hit, and I thought, “WTF did I just do?” (And all kinds of other colourful expletives that my PG-13 readers probably shouldn’t read.)

But yeah, not the best timing, but I don’t regret it one iota.

But it was the best of times…

Because I discovered that if you let go of something that doesn’t serve you, amazing opportunities will come your way.

I’ve never ever done this before. I have backup of a backup of a backup. And the pandemic bulldozed through every one of my well-laid plans.

I was supposed to depend on my rental income if my primary income went poof. But my tenants began moving out. Freelancing work and part-time work was supposed to supplement my income too, but businesses were suffering everywhere.

Yet, as I wondered about my future, opportunities came my way. I got the opportunity to write for brands like AIA. My freelance income filled the gap and I began to enjoy running my business.

Sure, I didn’t earn big bucks, but I grew to love the down time and the experimentation that I was doing. Running a business was addictive and exhilarating. And I had freedom to order my days and choose what work I wanted to do. One day I was coaching someone on how to build their website, and the next day I was working on my sci-fi ebooks.

I also loved the freedom of being able to garden in the mornings. I spent a lot of time in the sun and in the dirt. And sleeping. I slept a lot. Resting was a big part of my recovery from the toxicity I had suffered for so long.

What surprised me from this experience was how pulling the trigger was not as scary as I thought.

In fact, the first month after quitting was filled with great happiness and joy. I remember taking a walk one evening, watching the orange skies and the birds flying above me while beautiful music played in my ears and suddenly I felt this tide of happiness. I was free!

Before, at this same hour, for so many months, I would walk home on the same road, dejected at yet another soul-destroying day. I didn’t notice the beauty around me.

On that day, I felt so blessed to be alive and free, and so proud of myself to have chosen myself over what was practical. I had conquered a long-held fear by staring it in the eye and daring it to do its worst.

And I survived. Heck, I am better for it.

If you’ve told me that was what I would feel after quitting a job without another lined up during a pandemic, I would have a) checked for your temperature b) called you crazy c) probably asked you for some of the stuff you’re on

Having gone through what I’ve always feared and then some (thanks to the pandemic), I realise that the only thing holding me back from many things were my limiting beliefs. I also realise that I’m one strong, resilient beeyatch and now I have one hell of a story to share during a cocktail party.

I also want to tell everyone out there that there’s no shame in quitting something that doesn’t serve you or is causing you harm. Leave. Please leave a toxic, abusive situation – whether at work or in a relationship. You matter. I’ve seen people who stayed far too long in a toxic place and it took them months, even years to recover.

I get that the cliff’s edge is a scary place to be. But you can’t grasp something better when you don’t let go. I’ve learned this lesson this year.

I had such a beautiful plan for 2020 and beyond. Sometimes fate will come and mess it up for you. You’ve got to be willing to let it go, roll with it and see the beauty in the ashes of your plans.

But it was the worst of time …

Money worries suck

But I’m human though. As the months went by I did wonder in some panic about my future. Especially when money worries start trickling in.

During this time, I felt a certain kinship of sorts with the people who lost their jobs due to COVID-19. While it was my choice to ditch a steady income, I knew what it was like to face an uncertain future full of worries.

It was at this time that I began having difficulties relating to the personal finance content I was reading. I realised how little comfort they offered to people in my situation and how some of them rubbed me wrong. It seemed tone deaf to tell folks to invest when some barely have enough money to buy food.

I was also hyper aware of how, despite my unsteady income kinship with many in the world, that I was still so blessed. I had a roof over my head. I didn’t have to worry about my parents because they were settled financially in their retirement age. I didn’t have mortgages to fret over and children to angst about. Yes, at times it feels tiring to be a single person who has to take care of her own finances, but it also great not to have to worry about anyone else during this time.

I have to admit that the longer I write about personal finance, the more I realise that fear and anxiety fuels the sphere. There seems to be this sense that we’re not doing enough, we’re running out of time, we must grasp and hold on toas much we can, or we need to hustle, hustle, hustle.

The pandemic year has impacted my approach as a personal finance blogger. I now feel a big desire not to fuel that pain, anxiety and fear that tinges personal finance. I want to give my readers hope, not FOMO or worry.

Is there a way to reclaim and redeem the space so that it is more balanced, giving and holistic?

This is a question I’ll be wrestling with in 2021.

But it was the best of times…

I feel closer closer to where I want to be

I know what really fuels me now. And the fact that I’ve conquered big fears this year has filled me with a certain amount of confidence and gratitude.

2020 has been a giant wake up call for humanity, and certainly for me. I’m taking the lessons I’ve learned this year to craft a better life for myself next year.

And I hope this has been that kind of year for you too.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year, all of you.

Here’s to a boring 2021 (cross fingers).